THE BLOG OF JESS

Hello. So in my AP English class, we have to do these things called Socratic Circles. My class all arrange our desks into a circle, and we basically have a conversation about whatever text we've read most recently read. Now, this sounds pretty dandy. And it would be. Only I have one issue with these circles. We are required to speak up and voice our opinions at LEAST 7 times for an A. Doesn't sound too difficult right? Especially when these circles continue over the course of 2-3 days, yeah? No. Not for me. Not when you have a bad case of social anxiety, and just the mere thought of speaking up terrifies you. I've told my teacher this, briefly, saying "I just get so nervous" and she quickly replied before the circle session began, "Don't be nervous."
Okay. 
Thanks.
That helps me. 
(Not.)
We've completed one of these things so far. The first one, I've managed to speak up 4 times, which, honestly, is a miracle in itself. I got an F for the class grade, but, you know? Better than none. 
The class is currently still working on our second circle, which will end on Monday. One day one, I spoke... none at all. On the second day, I spoke up once, which, in my opinion, is an accomplishment in itself. I fumbled over my words, but I spoke. Like, that' still an utter failure of a grade, but just mustering up the courage to speak once made myself so proud of myself. I will take that F with stride. At least I know for sure I won't be scoring a 0 on this, which I was afraid of. 
I still have one more day to speak up more. I know I'd like to speak up at least 5 times? I kind of doubt I'll be able to do that, but I will honestly, genuinely try. 
Ugh, but the nerves are still so real. I tried to convince myself that it's no big deal. Like, walking to class I gave myself a little pep talk.
Pretend that everyone's talking you. 
Nobody cares if what you say is incorrect.
You're all in this together. 
If you speak up, you can guilt-free play the Sims for hours.
If you don't say anything at all, I FORBID you to eat whatever snack you have until it's lunchtime. 
Speak up. You can do this. Make yourself proud. You got this. 

Ugh.
Well, I'm really hoping that we aren't do so many of these circles. It'll be the death of my academic career if we do so many of these. My teacher has made a point that each one of us are going to be 'facilitators'. I'm not sure how many students are in my class, but there are two facilitators at a time. When the time comes for me to become one I am seriously going to DIE. I don't have any friends in that class! Who's gonna be my partner?? Everyone that I'm moderately acquainted with in that class already has an even closer friend.
The pains of being a junior in a senior class. There are two other juniors in my class, and of course, those two are friends with each other. Ugh.
The anxiety is real, man. I hope I'll survive this class. I'd really hate to have to drop down because of failing out of the class. It's these BLASTED SOCRATIC CIRCLES. I WAS FINE WITH ALMOST EVERYTHING ELSE. I CAN DO BUSY WORK. I ENJOY QUIETLY WRITING ESSAYS. I AM TOTALLY CAPABLE OF THAT. BUT SPEAKING ALOUD??? IN FRONT AND WITH THE REST OF THE CLASS??? THAT JUST PUTS ME IN PANIC MODE, MAN. IT'S AWFUL.
Why did I think I was capable of taking this class? I should've just taken a regular English class, man. Or Advanced Honors. College credit. Who needs that? Bleh. Ugh. Pain. 

Okay, that's all. I have English homework to work on. Bye. Have a good one.
- Jess